Help needed to finish semester
Tyler Bennett
Issue date: 12/7/04 Section: Lifestyles
Have you ever tried to type four papers, study for a couple of finals and plan for the holidays while working two jobs and attending class? If so, then you must be a college student. I realize that this time of year is hectic for everyone, but I've never wanted to tear out my hair so much in my life. I've decided that I have to do something about it.
I need a body double. All I have to do is make a clone of myself who can attend my classes while I work on papers and study, and someone who can do my Christmas shopping for me.
How I could go about getting this clone is beyond me. I've looked for one on ebay, but apparently they only sell body parts and 10-year-old sandwiches that depict the image of the Holy Mother Mary. So I tried to Google it. Apparently, human clones are not yet available for purchase for the amount of money a college student can afford. Not to mention the government doesn't seem to think it's a good idea, so I'd have to travel to another country and then raise the thing, which in reality would only be more work.
If I can't get a clone, I could think about getting a butler. I know better than to get someone to do the work for me. But I could at least use a butler to do the shopping and maybe carry my books to class. That would be nice. Then I could sit in my room and he could drive my assignments to school for me. Only I know I don't have the dough to shell out for those expenses either.
My last option is to fake my own death. Once I finish my work, I'll miraculously show up and everyone will be so excited to see me that they will gladly accept all my late work. Right? I know, not likely.
So I suppose I, like the rest of the student body, am stuck. I'll just have to wade through my swamp of homework and studying and the torture chamber that I refer to as work. I hope that you all have less stress than I do and get to enjoy your holidays. After all, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, or smarter.
Tyler Bennett
Editor in Chief
I need a body double. All I have to do is make a clone of myself who can attend my classes while I work on papers and study, and someone who can do my Christmas shopping for me.
How I could go about getting this clone is beyond me. I've looked for one on ebay, but apparently they only sell body parts and 10-year-old sandwiches that depict the image of the Holy Mother Mary. So I tried to Google it. Apparently, human clones are not yet available for purchase for the amount of money a college student can afford. Not to mention the government doesn't seem to think it's a good idea, so I'd have to travel to another country and then raise the thing, which in reality would only be more work.
If I can't get a clone, I could think about getting a butler. I know better than to get someone to do the work for me. But I could at least use a butler to do the shopping and maybe carry my books to class. That would be nice. Then I could sit in my room and he could drive my assignments to school for me. Only I know I don't have the dough to shell out for those expenses either.
My last option is to fake my own death. Once I finish my work, I'll miraculously show up and everyone will be so excited to see me that they will gladly accept all my late work. Right? I know, not likely.
So I suppose I, like the rest of the student body, am stuck. I'll just have to wade through my swamp of homework and studying and the torture chamber that I refer to as work. I hope that you all have less stress than I do and get to enjoy your holidays. After all, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, or smarter.
Tyler Bennett
Editor in Chief
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